Bhaarat Ratnaa for me…… 16 January 2008

(more than 350 words)

Maananeeya Pradhan Mantri Mahodhay Man Mohan Singh Ji,

(Pratilipi: Shrimathi Sonia Gandhi, Congress Party aur Desh ka katha-dhartha) (Please put in a word)

(Pratilipi: Honourable Rahul Gandhiji, Bharat ka bhavishya) (Please recommend my name)

Namashkaar! Saadar Pranaam!

I hope you had a nice and successful trip to China. How was the weather in Beijing?

I understand that you are in the process of selecting candidates for awarding Bhaarat Ratna. The country has already honoured 40 persons with this Ratna; the dishonourable exception being that of Mohan Das Karamchand Gandhi (the person whom we remember on 2 October and whose samadhi we visit that day).

Please consider my name as well; I have impressive credentials.

· Many times since the year 1960, I have travelled in long distance Indian trains, especially in the unreserved third class (even after it was renamed as second class). That was long before Lalu Prasad Yadav became the railway minister.

· I was a suburban train commuter with a second class pass for three years in Mumbai when it was known as Bombay.

· I have successfully crossed many roads at all hours in Bangalore, Hyderabad, New Delhi, Chennai, and Mumbai.

· I have undertaken many journies by Deccan Airlines (before it shook hands with Kingfischer Airlines); I have walked several kilometers to get into the aircraft; I have lived without sipping a drop of water in the plane.

· I have lived in Lucknow, the capital of Uttar Pradesh for about 14 years under various political regimes.

· For about eight years, I used the services of Delhi Transport Undertaker (sorry, Undertaking), well before it became DTC , to go to school and college..

· Hundreds of times I have used the services of a meterless three-wheeled wonder known as `autos’ in Chennai, driven by the most decent, well-mannered individuals on Mother Earth!

If these expolits are not sufficient to grant me the coveted medal, please let me know; I will send you a list of my other accomplishments.

Thanks for reading me patiently (that is, if you at all read this!)

Appa Charan Sparsh Karta Huva,

Subrahmanyam Gopal

Statistician’s delight..… 25 December 2007

(about 600 words; more the merrier this festive season)

Disclaimer from Penumbra

I warn you that the message you see below contains a lot of wisdom. However, you can freely copy it and send it to anybody you wish. No acknowledgment is required. But please own authorship of the same so that I am freed of any legal hassles. If cops get at you, that’s your problem. If you have received this message by mistake, for heaven’s sake please do not delete it. Read it fully and pass it on to your friends, girl-friends or boy-friends of your friends, relatives, neigbours, their pet dogs, and the cows on the next street (Send it to animal activists as well, but at your peril!), If you send me an email confirming that you have read my message, I promise to acknowledge it in my next piece of writing. Photographs welcome. Thanks in advance for your co-operation. Merry Christmas.

Penumbra S.Gopal

————————————————————————–

Yesterday I went to Brigade Road in Bangalore. I went by an autorickshaw. The Sun was shining brilliantly. It was around 1 pm. I was wearing a grey pant and a dark brown shirt (what a combination? Fashion designer’s nightmare, I thought). To add to the style I was sporting a brand new brown colour BATA laceless shoe with a slightly (?) wornout green colour socks. On reaching Brigade Road, I realised that I was the most well-dressed (or dressed, let me say) individual among the call centre crowd. Sure, that was the cause of my distraction!

While crossing the road, I put my right leg into a small wrong pothole. The new tight shoe did the rest. My ankle got sprained. It started paining, but not too much. I met the person with whom I had an appointment.

In the evening I visited a doctor, got the paining portion examined and X Rayed. `No damage’, said the doctor with a morose face, `Just paste a belladonna plaster on the ankle. Take rest for three days. You should be okay’. I didn’t give him sufficient revenue to enable him purchase a bigger cake for Christmas. That was the reason for his facial expression!

On my way back home, I met a senior and experienced (32 years, 4 months, and 22 days into his profession) about-to retire-looking-for-job-opportunities-post-retirement specialist working in the statistics department of the government. When he asked me why I was limping, I had to tell him the truth. You can’t guess when these senior government officers will turn nasty. They can slightly nudge their colleagues in the City Corporation and they can come to your house in hordes with a digital measuring tape with a least count of 0.0001 inch and book you for deviations from the approved building plan.

Well, he analysed quickly as to why I sprained by ankle. He said today he will issue a government report (White Paper) to the Press on how to avoid spraining an ankle. Since there are no politicians in Karnataka to take credit for his intellectual exercise (as you may know, the state of Karnataka is under President’s rule); he was elated that he met me at this juncture.

He gave me a sneak preview of his report. Here it goes.

· Never go to Brigade Road wearing a brown shoe with soiled (even slightly) socks of whatever colour.

· Don’t go out at 1 pm when the Sun is shining. You can go to Brigade Road at 1 am, if the Sun is shining.

· Avoid autorickshaws when going to Brigade Road.

· While crossing the road, please concentrate on walking rather than looking here and there!.

These are his main recommendations. Several advisories will soon follow. Please wait for the final report.

Merry Christmas.

S .Gopal ….Keying in is better than idling

`Doctored’ English 4 October 2007

`Today we celebrate World Heart Day’ was the first sentence in a newspaper supplement. It was not February 14, when the matters of heart are celebrated. It was October 1. The rest of the article made grim reading; it suggested grave (literally so) consequences for urbanites like you and me, who eat

• more-than-moderate salt
• junk food like pizzas and chips
• at irregular times

What a Celebration!

Once I saw huge banners announcing `*Free* Checkup. Rush to Diabetic Mela at XYZ Clinic’. Deepavali Mela is fine, but Diabetic Mela? A friend of mine went there. `White-coaters’ did a `free checkup’ and then announced that he was a `sugar patient’. After that, they listed out all the organs of the body and suggested that all of them would be affected, if he did not sign up with them pronto for treatment.

What a Mela !

I wonder who coins such expressions. If they been conceived by

• doctors, they better stick to their profession
• English pundits, its time they get back to school

Gopal

…..keying in is better than idling

If India had lost the T20… 26 Sepetmber 2007

(special edition…longer than 200 words)

If India had lost the Twenty20 World Cup cricket….

Lalu Yadav: Pahle se Rabri aur hum kah raha hoon (Rabri Devi and I have been saying from the beginning) that cricket should be under relbays (railways), and not under minstry af khetibadi (agriculture); I mean, wohi, Sharad Pawar. See na, I turn around relbays; harvard bhi hum se seek raha hai na !

L K Advani: In 1992 we demolished the Babri Masjid. After that no constructive thing has happened in India. Now you can see in cricket as well. At least now you learn: Take four boys each from RSS, Bajrangdal, VHP, and Shivsena and train them in Nagpur (han baba, in RSS headquarters) and see the result in future.

Amar Singh: Congress is sure to face defeat soon. Sharad Pawar made an inexperienced boy Dhoni as the cricket captain; you can see the result. Now we are happy that Rahul baba has become the general secretary of Congress.

Acharya Ramdev: When I was in Durban, I sent an invitation to the Indian team to particiapte in the yoga shibir (camp). BCCI did not sanction ten thousand rupees for that. If the boys had learnt kapaal baati for a week, they would have defeated the world. I think it is all because of the influence of Brinda Karat on the government.

Faceless joint communique of left parties released simulataneously from CPM offices in Thiruvananthapuram, Kolkatta, New Dellhi, and Beijing: Our position has all along been clear. This strategic alliance with the US must end. Nothing in India must be operationalised, everything should wait for six months. We will withdraw support to the government, if Manmohan singh wants it that way. (Note: this communique is issued without change everyday for any question posed to the CPM).

Mohandas Pai (Infosys): As part of our corporate social responsibility, we are prepared to train for free 100 bright engineers (who are otherwise unfit for coding or patching) at our Global Centre at Mysore. Narayna Murthy had already made this offer when he made that famous statement about singing of national anthem in the presence of the then-president Abdul Kalaam.

NASSCOM (Karnik and Lakshmi Narayan): We have always been crying hoarse about the poor infrastructure in the country, insufficient bandwith, lack of world-class airports, coaching being not upto the standard in our engineering colleges, the rising rupee etc. We want all interference from the government to stop. We are considering getting one thousand engineers during this quarter from the banks of the Mekong river in China. We can lend 16 chinks to the BCCI to develop the Twenty20 cricket team.

Anonymous chief excecutive of a BPO from the bottom of a pothole located at the famous Hosur Road in the silican valley of India, Bangalore: Outsourcing is the only option. We will train the boys and girls to speak good English; good English is the only answer to win in the world; we will arrange for free pickup and drop at their homes or paying guest accommodation. Names must be changed. Mahendra Singh Dhoni, for example, should become Murry John.

Thanks for your patience.

Gopal

…..keying in is better than idling

Reality show of Realty… 25 September 2007

An advertisement that appeared in the Deccan Herald newspaper dated 22 September 2007 is reproduced below:

Your options:

1. Fantastic proposal; Book at once.
2. Wait for six months; you will get a still-better offer.
3. Don’t book; there is some catch in it.

SMS your option to

- Allah at mobile number 00000

- Jesus at 11111

- Raama or Krishnaa at 22222

If you are in Australia prefix 0

Britain 1

Timbaktoo 2

Lines open 24 hours; will be kept open till

- the validity of currency, if you are in a pre-paid mode

- you stop paying your mobile bills, if you are in post-paid mode

This offer is subject to market risks; even if you read the offer document carefully, you will never be able to understand our fine print.

God Bless !!!

Gopal

…..keying in is better than idling

Special Edition 24 September 2007

India should win today.

Left to SONY Television, they would decide the winner on the basis of an SMS poll. With Indian population being much higher than that of Pakistan, India will hands down (Let me make a slight change in the phrase – let’s call it fingers down; afterall one uses fingers to send SMSs); Mobile service providers like Airtel, BSNL, Spice, and now Vodofone will laugh away to the bank. SONY’s ratings will go up. They will air 30 minutes of commercials and 20 minutes of dance by `well-dressed’ pom-pom holding cheergirls in 60 minutes. Advertising and related companies will hire a BPO to count the currency notes that have earned. More BPOs will open up. Good for all. A Win-Win situation. Good for the country. People will not have to see or hear for atleast one hour about the nuclear deal, Prakash Karat, Karunanidhi, Ram and wicked swamijis…

Cheers

Gopal

Bend it better than Bechkam…. 17 August 2007

If Beckham can bend the trajectory of the ball, our ritual-gurus can bend anything: two examples of Bent Rules are given below:

Aadi thallupadi

First rule: It is inauspicious to buy items in the Tamizh month of Aadi.

Bent rule: Make one small purchase a day before the onset of Aadi. Subsequent purchases during Aadi would be considered as continuation of shopping done in an auspicious month and hence no cosmic ill-effect!

Outcome: The Nallis, the Pothys, and the Thangamaligais laugh their way to the banks. Common people are thrilled; no need to suspend their shopping for a month!

Parasthana

First rule: Day X is not a ‘good’ for undertaking travel.

Bent rule: Take out one small packing out of the house on a `good day’ prior to day X and deposit it in a neighbour’s house. The travel is deemed to have begun on a `good ‘ day!

Outcome: Travel as per convenience without a feeling of guilt!

Gopal

…..keyingin is better than idling